Heterosexual attraction issues
Have you learned that people who are attracted to the same-sex and who report never feeling interest or attraction in the opposite sex are obviously “gay”?
Think again.
Secular culture is teaching all of us to think in illogical and harmful ways about ourselves and others. Specifically it teaches us to:
Mistakenly bundle together a person’s attractions to the same-gender and opposite-gender into one single construct called “sexual orientation”, when these two sets of “data” are actually mutually exclusive.
To misjudge our core identities and relationship potential by our earliest or most initially comfortable, or initially arousing, sexual experiences
To mislabel ourselves as “gay” “straight” or “bi” based on our excitement, admiration and involuntary arousal reactions to people who we are not actively developing an intimate relationship with—such as an attractive stranger, a person seen in the media or an acquaintance or friend.
Contrary to what secular culture leads us to believe, however, there are many common-sense ways to explain situations where people don’t feel high levels of romantic and sexual interest in the opposite sex.
Normal Lack of Excitement
For example, many people are not necessarily excited or romantically and sexually drawn to the opposite sex, at least until they are in an actual intimate relationship. And just because we might see a person who is actively dating or searching for a mate, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their main motivation is romantic excitement and sexual need. Some people date and seek opposite-sex relationships marriage for basic companionship. Some are more motivated to fulfil the Jewish obligation to get married and raise a family. Others are drawn to dating and marriage to achieve more financial independence, social status and community acceptances. Having disinterest of even a dread of meeting the opposite sex is therefore actually a pretty common and normal feeling that society makes people think is very unusual.
2. Emotional Reasons:
There are other logical reasons to explain a lack of dating and relationship excitement, that have nothing to do with one’s identity or inherent capacity for fulfilling heterosexual relationships. Sometimes, for example, people are too “in their heads”, too anxious or overwhelmed in their life. Someone with poor communication skills or low self-worth, is not going to enjoy dating and be particularly excited about intimate relationships.
3. Past experience
Experience also plays a big role. If someone consistently meets people of the opposite sex whom they dislike, why would they want to try and develop an intimate heterosexual relationship? Or if someone has a challenging relationship with an opposite sex parent or sibling, this too will color their interest and excitement.
4. Dating Mis-Direction
Some are simply not dating the right types of people or not going to the right types of places that would foster a good connection. The process of finding and meeting an opposite sex partner doesn’t always happen seamlessly without thought. It requires careful planning and strategic thinking, whether a person is doing traditional matchmaking dating, online apps dating or trying to just meet someone more naturally in person.
5. Outsized arousal expectations
Many people nowadays are being misled to believe that they should feel strong attraction and even sexual arousal very quickly when meeting a new person, just like it happens in the movies. If they don’t have this reaction, they prematurely conclude that the person must not be a good match. This outsized arousal expectation is very misleading and is completely unrealistic, unless the people meeting each other are there for the implicit or explicit expectation to have a sexual encounter, in which case their arousal is already “primed” even before meeting.
A healthier way of going about meeting new people of the opposite sex is to generally look for and expect a naturally flowing sequence of (a) first liking the person with one’s head (are they generally “easy on the eyes”, nice, a good person with good qualities) then, (b) the heart (do you want to talk to them more and see them more? Do you find yourself excited to see them again, having fun with them and hoping that they like you back?) and then, (c) sometimes soon thereafter and sometimes a while after, with more arousal reactions, tingly sensations, a feeling of being physically pulled toward them and wanting to touch or express affection and maybe having sexual fantasies about them as the connection intensifies. That said, many people feel fulfilled with the first two qualities before committing to a relationship, as they are confident that #3 will naturally come with more alone time and more opportunities to be sexual.
A second type of outsized arousal expectation is people have very strong “lust-triggers” (see link “Same Sex Attraction”) to anyone or anything other than the opposite-sex, who may be misled to expect the same highly potent and immediate arousal response with a normal date or relationship partner. They might judge their hypersexual lust-trigger arousal as normal and see their more nuanced or fluctuating desires in real relationships as “the problem that needs to be fixed.”
6. Gay Identity Barriers
Another interesting situation that I have several times is when a person is firmly convinced that they are “inherently gay” – even if they are not publicly living a gay lifestyle and have no intention of doing so—will still have a hard time being psychologically open to a heterosexual relationship, even if in theory they are trying. In this case, their identity could act as an almost physical barrier to their connection.