“Am i Gay?”

The idea that people are born, “gay” or “straight”, still lacks credible scientific support.

Yet, secular culture is bombarding us with this belief, while punishing those who challenge it, causing people to unnecessarily question their identity and relationship potential. Hence, we must equip ourselves with accurate information to become familiar with those issues that easily get confused with “being gay”. Knowing this can help make sure that we are not just putting an easy to access, popular label on something that is much more nuanced, resolvable and empowering.

8 reasons why people think “i’m gay”

1.      To meet core emotional needs

Belonging, recognition, autonomy and meaning. Young people who are missing out on these basic needs can convince themselves that they are inherently gay or they can be powerfully drawn to the gay identity and LGBTQ+ community.

2.      Early same-sex experience

Sexual energy is inherently aimless. So when we are surrounded by people of the same gender, we can easily become curious and aroused by those in our immediate orbit. Later, if these are the only sexual experiences we have, it can be easy to mistakenly conclude that opposite-sex encounters won’t be as easy or pleasurable. It is true that if we are used to “x”, then there might be learning curve for enjoying “y”. But that has nothing to do with our nature and capacity for heterosexual relationships

3.      Lust triggers

These are arousal reactions to various body parts, physiques, hairstyles, garments or interaction involving either the same-sex or the opposite-sex, or even an object, which are defined by the following 5 criteria. Childhood based, Recurring, Involuntary, Specific part-object, and Powerfully intense. (Acronym CRISP) These common types of arousal reactions are based on childhood or adolescent coping strategies and have nothing to do with one’s nature or capacity for heterosexual relationships. These are not inherently problematic, but can cause confusion when people compare these strong lust reactions to their more slowly developing and fluctuating sexual feelings in intimate relationships.

4.      Pathologizing lack of immediate arousal with opposite sex

Our culture leads people to believe that they should be immediately aroused when meeting members of the opposite sex, causing them to date with their “lust glasses” and focus less on the other person’s qualities and the actual connection between them. Our culture also leads people to think that they are unusual or inherently different if they don’t always feel interested or romantically or sexually drawn to the opposite sex, when this is normal, when there may be some common-sense reasons for this and when can this easily change once we meet the right person and develop a connection to them.

5.      Pathologizing normal same-sex attraction and experience

We are sexual people, so there is nothing abnormal or inherently different about being attracted to or interested in the same sex. From childhood and on, most of us are socialized to avoid these types of interactions and to then seek partnerships with the opposite sex. But there is nothing inherently unusual when the opposite happens. As taboos around homosexual activity are lifted by secular culture, and then replaced with an ideology that shames those with traditional values, it is becoming more and more common for members of the same gender to relax their healthy boundaries and experiment more freely and at increasingly younger ages.

6.      Opposite sex, disinterest, fear, or contempt

People’s interests in meeting, dating and interacting with the opposite sex is naturally informed by their past experience, whether in childhood or adulthood. This explains the wide range of attitudes that people have about heterosexual dating. So when we have past negative experiences, it shouldn’t be surprising if there is a lack of interest and excitement toward the opposite sex. If excitement were a prerequisite of dating and marriage, however, many people would not even try. But as with many other things in life, once a person meets the right match, their interest and excitement can easily and quickly pique.

7. IDENTITY BARRIERS

If people are convinced that they are either inherently gay or incapable of heterosexual attraction, then they may be subconsciously blocked from developing a heterosexual connection or from taking a possible connection seriously. As I’ve heard many clients say to me, “But I’m gay so this connection isn’t real”, or, “A more serious relationship isn’t possible with this person who I like.” Identity labels can be useful. But they also can trap and reduce people in ways that are harmful.

8.   CHILD AFRAID OF BETRAYING THEIR PARENT

This is rare, but sometimes an opposite sex parent can directly or inadvertently communicate that they want the child “all to themselves”, causing fear and pressure in the child who wants to date and get married. The child may then subconsciously avoid or sabotage their dating and relationships—and sometimes even come out as gay—in order to not betray the parent and risk losing the connection.